I always feel self-conscious eating food during fellowship time while sitting on the front row. Are my lips greasy, is there something on my face, is my mouth too full?

I ended up only eating a tiny portion of my dinner because I was miserable worrying about making sounds when adjusting the wrapping and/or dropping food all over myself. And it also makes it inconvenient to smile…is there anything in my teeth?

I felt kind of tense throughout, and kept consciously trying to relax my shoulders. The brief smiles were highlights, even if they weren’t coming my direction.

But the shepherding that is really shepherding…even if others would give up on them, you cannot give up and you continue to pray for them because they matter to you.

And He is able…I don’t know how He will…I don’t know what that actually entails…but…Amen.

He is able to guard our deposit in our guarding, and we are able to guard the deposit in His guarding.

Had a dream.

In the latter part, KS had invited a bunch of term-mates over for a sleepover, unbeknownst to me. Apparently I had been out most of the night taking care of something, so it was probably around 4 or 5am-ish when I came back home. Upon opening the door, I walked in on 20 or so people sprawled all over the living room floor. It kind of…caught me off guard…but I guess I was more bemused.

I looked at all the brother and sisters, who by then were already sitting up looking back at me, and then I looked at KS.

Me: Ummm…should I come back later?

KS: Yes.

Me: Okay. (I guess I’ve just been kicked out of my own apartment.)

But then the sun starting shining, and everyone was getting up anyway. So I stayed.

It’s hard not to be Jacobian when you’re just Jacob.

Ugh. My whole being just wants to do something…anything…maybe put up some poplar rods with peeled stripes…as if it’s really up to me.

Lord, You seriously have a lot of work to do with/in/on me.

Look at me with Your seven eyes. Infuse me with Yourself. For Your building.

“…but there is a stone expanding in our being, making us a stone-man.”

The three overcomers did not need to ask God to deliver them from the furnace (cf. Dan. 3:17); Christ as the Son of Man—the One who is qualified and capable of sympathizing with God’s people in everything (Heb. 4:15-16)—came to be their Companion and take care of them in their suffering, by His presence making their place of suffering a pleasant situation.

(Crystallization-Study Outlines of Daniel and Zechariah, Msg. 6)

Yes, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (btw, awesome names) experienced suffering in the context of being martyrs. And so not the most exact application, but I’m clinging to this as my encouragement—that Christ comes to be our Companion in our environments. And when we have the Lord’s presence, His presence makes our place of suffering a pleasant situation.

Things are still not altogether so pleasant. But Lord, I am exercising my spirit of faith to substantiate this fact.

I appreciate not needing to worry about the clothes getting dirty when accidentally falling on the floor while being transferred from washer to dryer.

Waiting for the Lord’s return means that a man still goes about his business, but his eyes are set on the Lord’s coming…If a believer is not careful, but substitutes other things for the Lord’s return, he becomes fallen immediately.

[M.E. Barber’s] whole life was a life of preparing for the Lord’s return. Day by day, while she lived on the earth, she waited eagerly for the Lord to return.

(The Collected Works of Watchman Nee, Vol. 60: Miscellaneous Records of the Kuling Training (2), Ch. 28: Waiting for the Lord’s Return)

I was considering this on the drive back to Grandma’s. At first, I didn’t understand how I could live this way. There is the natural zeal that gets stirred up after a message, but to be able to live this way consistently…faithfully…without eventually feeling weighed down…I couldn’t quite see it. Or so I thought. But then I reflected on recent experiences, and it made sense.

It depends on how much you treasure the one whom you’re waiting for.

And that, I realized, was the whole of it. I can care about something so strongly, but how much do I care about the Lord?

So Lord, I need Your appearing. Because while I appreciate You, it’s apparent that I’m not that eager to be with You……yet.

“Even when faith is small,
When there’s no hope at all,
I hear Him say to me,
Trust in and you’ll see,
That I’ll supply all your needs,
If only you will believe.
All anxious doubts will cease,
While trusting in Me.”

We need to “come to know that the heavens do rule”—Daniel 4:26b.

(Crystallization-Study Outlines of Daniel and Zechariah, Msg. 1)

“We are here under God’s throne. When it is settled, whatever the throne decides concerning us, we are at peace.”

“We have to see that the heavens rule, because we are always going to be in environments that include all kinds of painful things. And we pray, and we pray for ourselves and whom we love, and the God who rules is silent and hiding, and it seems as if He doesn’t care or doesn’t even exist. But this is part of His rule over us to develop our faith, to perfect our faith. So as God’s elect, we need Christ to be wrought into us as our centrality and universality through our environment.”

“But this is what we were made for. We were made to express God and represent God. And we are not here for our souls. We are not here to have a life of ease. ”

“His administration over us, all the days of our lives until now, has been with this intention that Christ would become preeminent in everything related to us…And the Lord wants us to come with a loving heart and a willing spirit to tell Him that we would like to cooperate with His operation. ‘Lord, You are causing this to happen. I can’t promise that You would be first. Lord, only by Your dispensing, only by Your central work can I be like this. Do this for the glory of God, for the shame of Your enemy.'”

“Lord, start with my personal universe.”

I now have empirical evidence to prove what I’ve always suspected — that girls have an innate superhuman aptitude for Nerts that boys do not have.

Tonight’s scores:

• Sheri: 50 (or at least that’s what it felt like)
• John: 1
• Jon: 1

…at least I won one round.