What is my core?

Was talking to KS about who we are at our core, about what’s been consistent for us since we were younger. The first thing that came to mind for myself was “curious.” But then after that, I realized that I’m not entirely sure what exactly my core consists of. I mean, there are a lot of things that I think are me, but then upon reflecting on my life, there are a number of instances I could point to that would seem to negate what I might think is my “core.”

KS offered “opinionated.” I agreed.

So later, I thought more about it while I was in the shower. It was hard. There were a lot of contradictions. What is learned, what is habitual, what is inherent? What is really me? Or is it all me?

Mom is weighing her luggage for her flight tomorrow night. I feel kind of bad that I haven’t been altogether there. I mean physically I have been, but besides that.

Although she just said that she was happy that I’ve been around so much. I don’t know. I guess there is something to say for just being there.

Her luggage is overweight – she has way too much stuff she wants to bring back, most of it from Costco.

Ugh. Head still hurts.

Took a walk with mom around the perimeter of campus. She stopped to take a photo of pretty much every building we passed, including random frat houses. With most everyone still gone on vacation, the streets were fairly quiet. Which made for pleasant stroll. Calm, tranquil, breathing in the fresh air. I like the environs of Berkeley – the non-dirty parts. I think I’ll miss it when it’s time to go.

Had my brother pick us up on North Side and went to Angeline’s. Oh the delicious crisp of those hush puppies…

Ugh. Head is pulsing. That’s what happens when I stay up.

Currently typing this on a Wii U. The going is a bit slow. Probably because it wasn’t designed for blogging.

I think I do a lot of thinking and realizing when I’m walking around looking for lunch. Today, I realized I haven’t had much of an appetite. Wasn’t that excited about the prospect of trying something new. It’s not that I don’t get hungry (although once in a while I really don’t feel like eating); I think it’s more like I don’t care so much what goes into my mouth. And I think this extends even beyond food.

I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life, doing what I need to do (eating, working, etc.), but not that much alive. Normally I’m full of excitement and appreciation for the little things around me, but it felt like the vigor of life has been replaced with a kind of dull apathy.

Or that’s what I thought. The secretary of the other firm we sublet from was leaving for another opportunity, so she bought a box of mini-cupcakes for the entire floor. There were all different kinds, and I grabbed a red velvet. I ultimately had three, but there were still so many sitting around, and I’m sure there were at least four hours between my first and second. But oh man, cream cheese frosting is so yum. Yum yum yum. And in that moment, I realized that I still have an appetite, no matter how much it’s been subconsciously suppressed. Maybe I just have a strong inherent flair for life. Or maybe it’s because there’s something called resurrection.

Regardless, I still need to know more His resurrection life.

I still want.

Author and Perfecter of our faith, I look away unto You. I trust in Your sitting down, though I would like to see what You see.

There’s a knot in the pit of my stomach. Earlier, it was a sinking in the chest. And it does not feel good.

It helps that You have a golden girdle.

Woke up today at 6:40am. Wished I could stay in bed longer.

Asked my brother if he could drive today instead, for the safety of my family, and pretty much passed out in the passenger’s seat for the two hours to the aquarium.

Realized I forgot to reinsert the SD memory card into my camera; thus, rendering it useless. Lame. At least I had a smartphone, so I decided to Instagram.

I wanted to Instagram everything. But there was some consciousness of restraint for the sake of others’ news feeds.

Aquariums are soothing; the fish glide so effortlessly through the water. I guess the rhythmic water music helps too. Jellyfish even more so. I think I could have sat there by myself in the dark, and just watch the jellies pulse and glide all day. There’s something entrancing about it. Makes me want to get myself a tank of jellyfish.

So a new year.

Lord, grow in me this year. Further develop my faith, and may I see Your governing vision. Cause me to really know what it means to experience and enjoy grace. And genuinely be for Your building.

 

Hour hand moved past one;

Thoughts two-fifty miles away

Borne on winter winds.

Can’t shepherd people with a cheerless countenance and neither can we fake it.

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I will yet praise Him for the salvation of His countenance…the salvation of my countenance and my God (Psalms 42:5, 11).

“When we turn our hearts to the Lord, when we have the expression of His smiling face, we have the salvation of His countenance. When we have the salvation of His countenance, it becomes the salvation of our countenance. We need the salvation of His countenance so that He can be the salvation of our countenance, so that we can be one with Him as the great High Priest to cherish and nourish others.”

And Lord, thank You also for flowing mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16; Revelation 22:1).

Timely help is the living God, the flowing God, coming into us and flowing through us to refresh, water, and supply us; whenever, by the Lord’s blood (Heb. 10:10-20), we come forward and touch the throne of grace, God flows to refresh and water us, and we experience indescribably joy, no matter how harsh the circumstances are (1 Pet. 1:8).

(Crystallization-Study Outlines of Daniel and Zechariah, Msg. 12)

 

To serve the Lord requires us to love Him, giving our heart to Him, and requires us to cleave to Him, giving our entire being to Him— Matt. 6:19-21.

(Crystallization-Study Outlines of Daniel and Zechariah, Msg. 11)

“We don’t need many words to tell us about the preciousness of Christ. We need an unveiling.”

Lord, unveil me. I need to see Your supreme preciousness. Like, seriously, I need to see.

I have to keep moving my cursor away. Argh.

“Wouldn’t it be better if I decide to on my own volition?”

I’m trying to listen.